December 19, 1973

White gold. Not something you’re used to seeing this far down the Mississippi. Ma used to tell me of times when she’d leave to go north for business. My brother, Joey, and I were alone when she took the train up to Illinois. She said that’s where dad is from, but I’ve never met him. Up there, Ma got to see the stars fall out the sky and into her hand. She said there was nothing like it. I’d make her retell me the stories every night when she would tuck me into bed. I would lay restless and imagine my white ceiling dissolving into tiny pieces, each one different from the rest. They would absorb me and steal me away. We’d fly above the night sky, all the way until morning.

December 20, 1973

I think the thing that people like so much about snow is how bright it makes the world around them feel. Nothing can feel overwhelming when you step outside and the world has been overcome by a layer of soft fluff. The best clothes I could find to go outside were a small long-sleeved shirt from when I was little and my basketball shorts. I covered the rest of my body with aluminum foil to stay warm. I stepped out onto my porch this morning and practically rolled down the steps into the snow. This long year finally feels like it’s taking a turn for the better.

December 21, 1973

This is the first Christmas since they took my brother away from us. Ma is trying to act normal and smile at me but I know she’s hurting. I’ve never met anyone as strong as Ma. Whenever I got a piggyback ride from my brother and fell off and started crying, she looked me right in the eyes and said, “Save those tears for the day you decide to fall in love.” She always followed that with a laugh that could be heard all the way in Tennessee. Ma likes to remind me how easy I’ve had it compared to her. Maybe that’s why I haven’t let her see me cry since Joey’s been gone.

December 22, 1973

The first time I ever saw Ma cry was back in July. She was making breakfast for us one morning and just began sobbing all over the waffles. We had been sent notice months earlier that my brother was going to be taken from us, but I think Ma erased it from her mind. Two men in suits showed up on our porch and didn’t want to hear any questions. Ma stared with emptiness in her eyes as Joey struggled to escape from the men. I wish I did more than just stand paralyzed behind the couch, but I couldn’t.

December 23, 1973

I must be in love with the two men that took Joey away, because I always feel tears roll down my face when I think of them. The way they grabbed him. The way they threw him into the cage. The way they drove off in their truck with a smiling panda on the back. I watched them for miles, until they got too far away. He was only three years old. How is it fair to have your family torn away from you?

December 24, 1973

The snow has finally cleared up, so I’ve been able to go outside and decorate the house with lights. The tree is up and presents are finally starting to show up under it. When I went gift shopping for Ma a couple weeks ago, I decided to get a gift for Joey even though he wouldn’t be able to open it. I got him some of his favorite ferns and a coat to help him stay warm. I can’t imagine how he is feeling stuck outside in this freezing weather. I think I’ll deliver the gifts to him when I see him next week.

December 25, 1973

Ma woke up this morning with a bad migraine after she was out late. I don’t think she remembered what day it was so I decided not to tell her. I sat on the floor beside the tree and looked up at the angel staring down at me. I had a feeling that he understood that something was missing. I was once told that in life, family is all you have. Something about that circled around in my mind today. Without family, I have nothing.

January 1, 1974

The new exhibit opened up today so I got to see Joey. Ma tried her best to keep calm, but I knew she was ready to jump over the fence to give him a big hug. I threw the ferns over to him and saw the big smile of his that I missed so much. I also made sure to be on the lookout for the two suited men to get revenge. Too bad they made sure to stay out of my sight because they would’ve really gotten it.

I don’t really know what normal is anymore these days. Sometimes I even wish that I dissolved away with the snow. But if that happened, I’m not sure if me and Joey would ever see each other again. So for now, I’ll be the stick that keeps my family of snowflakes together and make sure Ma doesn’t go crazy.

Curtis Berzofsky is a rising 12th grader from Durham, NC. He is super interested in reading and writing in different styles. He hopes to continue improving and expanding his writing style.